This Aching And Nudging Pain

I never planned to experience any pain this new year. Not until finally getting a call from my girl thru someone else. The pain of it all that Im paying both our phone bills and not a single call or message(at least a message) of whats wrong or why she's been so vacant for the past couple of weeks. Some may say why I don't call or message her myself. The thing is my girl who happens to stay with her mom and still in H.S. can't really speak to me around her peeps at all because they dont want us together. She did get caught with the phone once along time ago that I got her for us to speak or message and was force to give it back to me. I eventually gave her the phone back but we agreed to keep every conversation limited. Everything was going cool u kno. We started messaging each other or calling each other very briefly like every few days to check up on each other....well everything was based on her calling since I couldnt really call. Pretty soon, those few days started turning into a week and most recently two weeks. I got a high ass 200 sumthin dollar phone bill that I have to pay up in a few days and i'm starting to think like man....this shit is becoming a waste of time. It's like what if them weeks start turning into a month. Just think I pay a bill for a month of no phone usage. The fuck outta here man. I'm pretty much showing too much love ya kno.

I understand that she's flunking classes and according to her trying her best to make it up but that can't be a major reason to not let me kno whats goin on. At times and even when I talked to her on the phone not too long ago, it seemed as tho she's not too happy to hear from me and yea she was all emotional about her flunking classes and saying the reason why she couldnt call or rather message me at all was because her peeps were around. They can't possibly always be around when ur in the room at nite or in the bathroom. You can even try going to a store or to the library. Its easy as fuck to simply send me a a quick lil message such as Happy New Year or a Merry Christmas which I never got. Thats just bogus man. i don't mean to go off like that on her because I love her and I'm willing to give all my support to her but the support is slowly diminishing when I see other likeable couples doing there best to still connect whether thru the good or the bad. I got a friend named Vero(aka my daughter) who has a boyfriend outta H.S. too but they still conversate and see each other even when her parents dont like him. The big thing about our space from each other and limited speaking was for her to do better in school and its been like three months and not a thing got better and its now destroying me because of no progress at all. And I'm starting to feel like I'm being ignored majorly and that she doesnt have the same feelings for me anymore.......I don't know.

I do still love her and shown it alot but the question that causes my aching and nudging pains of most recent is does she still do? I mean her own lil sister keeps it up with her boyfriend online and everything. I'm constantly seeing her online yo. I'm down with the whole long distance relationship thing. How could it be a long distance relationship with no communication? I miss our talks, our laughs, jokes, little fights, playfulness, etc. But I tried laughing with u today and everything was just so dry. I made a New Years resolution that if this relationship does not work out, i'm going back to the single and nerdy lifestyle I once had thru high school, where as I'm gonna be married to my work and completely stay away from relationships at least as far as this year goes. It gets frustrating man.

Thank god I got work and friends to keep me happy. Its just that I see myself in a relationship and expect to have that warm feeling inside when I think about us. I'm missing that and having trouble with finding it. Until I realize what's really up and everything...maybe my phone should go off for a while. This here blogging is my most useful communication anyway by far. All I could do right now is wait and see what happens. It's what I've been doing anyway, only this time with my phone off. I'm a writer lately...fuck a phone ^_^